Excerpt:
Judy said, “If I asked Stewart, I think he would take me to visit Rachel. I’ve started to ask him a dozen times but then I don’t because I get so nervous even thinking about a trip to a mental institution. What if I go there and they will not let me leave because they think I am crazy?”
Preacher Pat laughed. “I have had that nightmare. It is a scary thought but irrational.”
“Crazy. I know. But my nerves are a lot more than just that nightmare. I want her to like me. And then I wonder why I want to be liked by someone who tried to kill my brother. I have these mixed emotions and on top of that I don’t even know what I would say to her if I went to visit her.”
Ellen Duddley walked into the living room. “Where the hell is Victor? I am starting to get really scared. Your father suggested we might should hire Johnny Bare to look for him.”
Hearthville Serial: Book 7
Episode 23
Any Truth, Proper Grammar, or Correct Spelling is totally coincidental if not accidental.
All characters are fiction. This story is fiction. This story makes no claims about any real person.
By Charles Peters
Copyright 2021
All Rights Reserved
Judas dropped his robe and walked naked into a deep, clear stream of water. As colorful fish swam about around him, he admired them. He looked up toward the blue sky and shielded his eyes from the bright orange sun. He walked from the shoulder deep stream of water into more shallow water and then out of the water to his thatched hut. He looked about his one room home and threw himself, wet, on his dry bed.
Tears rolled down his face.
“I don’t want to be hated. Jesus, please let me into heaven where I know that I will be loved.”
***
Joe Biden, in checkered blue and yellow pajamas and gold bunny slippers walked up a flight of stairs. As he reached the top, he was proud that he had not fallen.
He clinched his fist and punched the air in front of his chest. “Nailed it.”
Then he walked the corridor to a guest suite located in the southeast corner of the second floor of the White House. He opened the door to enter Lincoln’s Bedroom. “It is hard to believe that Lincoln never slept here. I wonder if he ever had sex here.”
Joe Biden entered the bedroom. He closed the door. He whispered, “Lincoln. Are you around?”
There was no answer.
Joe Biden sat down on the side of the bed.
“I guess there is no such thing as ghosts but Abe, I need to talk to someone and that son of a bitching pope has told me to stop calling him. For a Pope he sure is an asshole. He lets crazy Nancy visit him and has the nerve to tell me, the President of the United States, to fuck off. Like I can still get my dick hard. You would think from the Pope’s mouth to God’s ear and my dick would get hard, but hell no. I spent almost an hour trying to fuck off after I spoke with the Pope. My hand almost got frost bite. Funny story. Turns out I was stroking a Popsicle I had gotten out of the freezer before I called the Pope.”
Joe Biden sat silent on the edge of the bed for a moment. “Did your wife ever get headaches, even when all you want to do is cuddle. My wife says even if my dick will not get hard I could still suck her. But I just don’t like doing that stuff. The last time I tried sucking pussy I got scratched all to hell and the meowing was something awful. Turns out I was in the maid’s bedroom and she sleeps with a cat. I was so embarrassed. The maid said I should not be embarrassed but Hunter was hidden behind the curtains and he was laughing up a storm.”
Joe Biden sat silent on the edge of the bed for a moment. “Did that kind of crazy stuff ever happen to you? I guess, probably not.”
Joe Biden sat silent on the edge of the bed for a moment. “The thing is I am so damned sad. Everyone hates me. And I am afraid I am not going to be able to get into heaven.”
The ghost of Abe sat down on the bed next to Joe. “So can I have the maid’s phone number.”
Joe looked at Abe. He pulled on his beard. “Are you real?”
Abe slapped Joe’s hand away from his beard. “Of course I am real?”
“You are a ghost. Why aren’t you in heaven?”
“I am responsible for deaths of 750,000 Americans. And also Jesus said I would have to shave my beard before he would even consider letting me into heaven.”
“I bet even if you shaved your beard, he wouldn’t let you into heaven.”
“Probably not. That Jesus. He is something of joker. He tried to trick me into taking Oprah Winfrey out on a date and you know that shit isn’t happening.”
“Do you mean if all it took to get into heaven was to date Oprah Winfrey you still wouldn’t do it.”
“Hell no.”
“Is it because she is black?”
“Of course not.”
“Is it because she is fat?”
“No. I love women with meat on their bones.”
“Then why?”
“Do you know as rich as that woman is, she still makes the man pick up the check. I just don’t swing that way. I am of the sexual persuasion that the woman or man I am dating should always shower me with gifts. I am totally buy sexual.”
“You mean you are a whore.”
Abe vanished.
“So if I kill 750,000 Americans like Abe did, I still might not be able to get into heaven but I will be as loved by the American people as Abe Lincoln is. That might be a plan. America has a history of loving cold blooded killers. Bonnie and Clyde. Jesse James. Abe Lincoln. So hell, killing a bunch of people might be worth it. But damn it, I do want to get into heaven and I am pretty sure Jesus doesn’t like killers. I wonder if Oprah would be open to dating me since Jesus seems to like her. But what if she has a cat?”
***
Jack Minx and Preacher Pat Pialo sat with Judy Duddley in the living room.
Jack asked, “So has your family reported Victor missing?”
“Daniel took the report but we are keeping it out of the news.”
Preacher Pat nodded. “I guess that might be best. I am sure Victor will show up safe and sound.”
Judy smiled. “We are hoping.”
Preacher Pat asked, “So is Stewart around?”
“He and Harry, you know Harry Walsh, went down to the Purple Bird to shoot some pool.”
Preacher Pat said, “I did not realize that the Purple Bird had reopened.”
“I think you have to go in through a side door. The front door has a ‘Closed For Covid’ sign on it.”
Jack grinned. “Roy Ruby is a character. Best bartender ever. You can name any real drink and he knows how to make it.”
Judy said, “I have never been there but Steed also likes the place. You know, it is close to where his mom is hospitalized.”
Preacher Pat asked, “Have you met Rachel Ramsey yet?”
“No. I want to meet her. But Steed gets all weird every time I mention it.”
Jack said, “She and Rita Angster did try to murder Victor.”
Judy nodded. “Should I hate her? Should I not want to meet her? How can I have a relationship with Steed if I never meet his mom?”
Jack said, “I’ve never met Preacher Pat’s mom and he has never met my mom.”
Preacher Pat asked, “Do you want to meet my adopted mom?”
Jack asked, “Do you want to meet my mom?”
They both just stared at one another. Their answer was obvious without them having to say it.
Judy said, “So it is agreed that neither of you want to meet each other’s moms, but I do want to meet Rachel.”
Jack said, “So tell Steed that with or without him, you are going to visit his mom. Preacher Pat can take you.”
Preacher Pat said, “Wait. Wait. Wait. Just hold on a second. Don’t put me in the middle of Steed and Judy’s fight over visiting his mom.”
Judy smiled. “I understand.”
Jack said, “Well, we need to be going before Preacher Pat and I start fighting in your living room when you have enough to worry about without us.”
Judy said, “If I asked Stewart, I think he would take me to visit Rachel. I’ve started to ask him a dozen times but then I don’t because I get so nervous even thinking about a trip to a mental institution. What if I go there and they will not let me leave because they think I am crazy?”
Preacher Pat laughed. “I have had that nightmare. It is a scary thought but irrational.”
“Crazy. I know. But my nerves are a lot more than just that nightmare. I want her to like me. And then I wonder why I want to be liked by someone who tried to kill my brother. I have these mixed emotions and on top of that I don’t even know what I would say to her if I went to visit her.”
Ellen Duddley walked into the living room. “Where the hell is Victor? I am starting to get really scared. Your father suggested we might should hire Johnny Bare to look for him.”