Excerpt:
Jack slapped Stewart on the back. “Right. The first time I saw Victor naked in the shower after gym I had nightmares about Big Foot chasing me around with that thing.”
Stewart said, “It is a scary looking cock.”
“You two shut up. You are just jealous. Penis envy is a terrible thing.”
Novelette: Envy Is A Terrible Thing
By Charles Peters
Copyright 2019
All Rights Reserved
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This story is fiction.
Any resemblance to any real people or places or things is not intentional.
Chapter 9
Stewart was the last person to greet Preacher Pat Piaolo after church. Everyone else had gone to their cars and was leaving. Stewart walked up and shook Preacher Pat’s hand with a firm handshake.
Stewart said, “That was a pretty good sermon but I am pretty sure that Jesus never played football.”
Preacher Pat laughed. “But he would have been a hell of a quarterback. Maybe almost as good as you.”
“My football days are over.”
“I am sure God has a plan for you. You will have a good life.”
“Yeah, people say that when one door closes another door opens, but I don’t like drafty houses. All my plans for what I wanted to do with my life have blown out the window and I am feeling lost.”
“I wish I had the perfect thing to say but I don’t.”
“I don’t expect you to say the perfect thing. I am in a mood. I will get over it. I do trust that God has a plan for me. I will have a good life. It might not be Victor’s life or Roger’s life but I will have a wonderful life just like Jimmy Stewart’s ‘George Baily’ character in that movie.”
“So you are feeling jealous of your brother and your friend.”
“I have not seen Roger in over three years. He is rich and he may be coming to play quarterback for the Hearthville Hogs. He treated me badly. He wouldn’t even talk to me after he moved to Atlanta. But I know I shouldn’t feel so jealous of him and be so envious.”
“What about Victor?”
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“I love Victor. I worry about Victor. But yeah, he is rich. He has something going on and I worry about him. But even with that I sometimes feel so envious. And it is so wrong for me to feel that way. Hell, Victor is good to me. I think he would give me the shirt off his back if I asked. I am sorry that I am burdening you. I know I don’t even make much sense. I have a great family. I have a good life.”
“You are not burdening me.”
“I guess I should be going but first I need to talk about something else.”
“Sure but let us get out of the sun. Let us go over to that picnic table beneath the shade tree.”
Preacher Pat and Stewart walked over and sat down on the table. It was closer to the road than where they had been standing near the church.
Stewart said, “My brother has a gay friend, Jack Minx.”
“When I am in a mood I listen to heavy metal. I sometimes listen to Jack’s music. He is pretty good.”
“Yeah. Well. He has noticed you around and he wants to meet you. Would you have a problem with that?”
“Why would that be a problem?”
“He is gay.”
“Why would that be a problem?”
“And he thinks you might be gay.”
A sudden look of horror came on Preacher Pat’s face. “This church is tolerant but not that tolerant. I don’t want people to get that idea.”
“Is he right?”
“Stewart, you are putting me in a difficult situation. If people think that I am gay, I could lose my job. I am not sexual. Period.”
“So I should tell Jack that you are not interested?”
“I can’t be interested. Please do not put me in that position.”
“Okay.”
Victor and Jack drove up in Victor’s old truck. They hopped out and walked up to where Stewart and Preacher Pat sat on the table.
Victor said, “We are taking a break from working at blind Joe’s. Stewart, Minnie wants you to meet her grandson and toss a few balls with him. You don’t mind that do you?”
“No. Of course not.” Stewart cleared his throat. “Preacher Pat, this is my brother Victor and his best friend since high school Jack Minx. They are helping blind Joe and his wife do some work around their house. They needed some shingles replaced and some work done on their porch.”
Preacher Pat said, “So Jack, you are both a musician and a handyman.”
Jack smiled. “I am not much of a handyman. I am helping Victor because he asked.” Jack looked bashful as he rubbed his face.
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Preacher Pat asked, “So Victor, how much do you charge to replace shingles? There are some on my house back behind the church that needs replacing.”
Victor said, “I do the work for free. I never charge anything; not even for materials. I will be glad to replace your shingles, although I may not be able to get to it until next Sunday.”
Preacher Pat smiled. “That will be fine. I would do it myself but I am afraid I will run into something unexpected. But I do want to be up on the roof with you and help.”
“Yeah, we definitely ran into some unexpected problems over at Joe’s. Nothing we can’t handle but I do know what you mean. And shoot, I don’t mind helping you and the church. Especially since you became the preacher here, Stewart loves this church.”
Preacher Pat said, “Well, I appreciate your help more than I can express. No pressure. I am not trying to be a salesman. But it would be cool if you came to church with Stewart.”
“I uh, I just.” Victor thought about being in a church for the sermon given at Jossette’s funeral. “Maybe some time.”
Jack said, “Judy and I are planning on coming next Sunday.”
“That will be nice. I will try to have an extra good sermon written.”
Jack smiled.
Stewart cleared his throat. “I was talking to Preacher Pat and he is afraid he will lose his job if people think he is gay.”
Victor said, “Stewart, that was kind of a rude thing to say after the Preacher had been so polite.”
Jack said, “No Stewart. That was not rude. I wish you had whispered that too me earlier before I made a fool out of myself.”
Preacher Pat shook his head no. “You did not make a fool out of yourself. I like your music. The other day I did notice you coming out of Dorthy Mixby’s room at the hospital. I felt the attraction. But this church does not allow gay preachers. I choose not to be sexual.”
“I know a church where their last preacher was gay. It is nondenominational. They are currently in need of a new preacher.”
“I like it here.”
“Sure. This is a beautiful church.”
Victor said, “There is nothing wrong with being in the closet and sneaking around.”
Jack said, “I don’t want that. Sneaking around. And Victor, after the ranting you did at Selby and David for hurting Sally, you should understand that.”
“He is not married.”
“To his job.”
“Okay. I am sorry. Anyway, uh, like I was saying we ran into some unexpected problems over at Joe’s. We started replacing a few shingles and we are pretty much replacing all of the roofing. Do you want to come over and help us.”
Preacher Pat thought a second. “Actually. Yeah. Helping there I might gain a little confidence and try replacing the shingles on my house, myself.”
“Sure. And if you run into problems I will come over and help. I will not leave you in a lurch.”
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My house is right behind the church. Let me go shed this monkey suit and get some jeans on. I will grab my tool box.”
Nineteen year old Deven Raven drove in front of the church and stopped. He yelled at Victor. “Man. Victor at a church. Seeing you here is a true sign of the apocalypse, isn’t it.”
Victor laughed. “No. I came to pester Stewart and ask him for a favor. We are doing some work over at blind Joe’s like I was telling you about the other day. You want to join us.”
Deven said, “Sure but I am going by the Dairy Queen first.”
“Okay.”
Preacher Pat called to Deven. “How was Preacher Mary’s sermon?”
“She rocked the house with a story about how Jesus and Mary Magdalene went surfing with Tiberius Claudius Nero and Pontius Pilate. This was before Jesus took up his ministry and they were having a wild time. Then John the Baptist came up and got all preachy telling him to stop being tempted by the devil.”
Preacher Pat said, “I am pretty sure that never happened.”
“Well, she ended the story by saying most of the revelations in the me too movement also never happened. And told us to stop believing every evil thing the stone throwers in the media and twitter tells us.”
Preacher Pat wasn’t sure what to say. He hesitated. Then he smiled. “Mary does know how to rock the house.”
Deven said, “I like your sermons also, but my girlfriend goes to Mary’s church. My girlfriend and I have again been fighting so I will probably be coming back here.”
“You are always welcome.”
“See you at Joe’s in a bit.” Devin drove on off. Preacher Pat ran to his house to change clothes.
Victor looked at Jack. “You and Preacher Pat are totally going to end up getting married.”
“Just because I am gay does not mean I want to get married. But anyway, I think we both made clear that we have no intention of sneaking around.”
“What the heart wants, the heart wants. If he gets fired he can start preaching at a nondenominational church like Mary does.”
Stewart said, “Preacher Pat is on the conservative side. He is a Republican. I doubt a liberal church would be that accepting of him.”
Jack said, “There are a fair number of Log Cabin Republicans at the Beacon Church. I, myself, held my nose and voted for Trump because I could not vote for Hillary Clinton. But your point is taken. I am not arguing with you. I mean, like if he were to support Mike Pence, oh my God.”
Stewart asked, “What is wrong with Mike Pence?”
Jack said, “He supports gay conversion therapy including electric shock treatment.”
Victor said, “No, he does not. That was a bogus meme. But he does cater to anti-gay groups and I think he is pretty much anti-gay.”
“He is a total homophobe. He supported an HIV bill but asked for a provision that would direct money from pro gay groups to groups that promote the change in sexual behavior. Whether the meme was an exaggeration or not, that is what caused the origination of the meme.”
“I don’t know. I could not support Hillary though.”
Jack nodded. “Well, neither could I but it was a difficult vote for me. The people at the Beacon church do sometimes get into some heated political debates like the Mike Pence controversy. So I don’t know whether Preacher Pat would fit in there are not. Sometimes I say stuff without thinking. Regardless, I am not going to sneak around with someone who is still in the closet.”
Stewart said, “It is not like you didn’t know his situation. You can’t preach at a Baptist or Methodist Church and be out of the closet.”
Victor said, “That is true.”
“I guess. I am an idiot. I don’t know what I was thinking when I thought I wanted to meet him.”
Victor said, “When you see someone and they cause the butterflies in your stomach to start flying around like bomber pilots, it is not about thinking. So where did you first see him?”
“He was going into visit Bert’s mom Dorothy when mom and I were coming out. I didn’t think he even noticed me, but I noticed him. Let’s change the subject.”
Victor said, “He said he did notice you. He felt the attraction.”
“I know but please, just change the subject. I am embarrassed at my stupidity.”
Stewart asked, “Who was that guy talking to you and Preacher Pat?”
Victor said, “Devin Raven. He is in some of my classes at college.”
“I’ve never seen him around.”
“No. You have never noticed him because he is not a jock and he does not drive a nice car. He lives over in the trailer park. But he is a good guy.”
Jack said, “I never noticed him around either. I guess I am a snob also.”
Stewart said, “I am not a snob. Am I?”
Victor shook his head no. “Neither of you are snobs. I was just being an ass. I am sorry. Anyway, like I said, Devin is a good guy. He is fairly new to this town. His mom works at the car wash and his stepfather sells produce there.”
Stewart thought a moment. “I take it that Mable is his mom since she is the only white person who works at the car wash.”
“That is right. Mable Hannibal Raven Bismark. I can’t remember his stepfather’s name for sure. I think Earl Bismark but I could be wrong about Earl.”
Jack said, “Yeah. Earl is the name of the man who sells the produce. He also is one of the late night bartenders at the Whiskey Diver. He is bisexual and totally cheats on Mable. I don’t know whether she knows it or not.”
Stewart asked, “Have you ever hooked up with him?”
“Why would you ask that? Of course I haven’t. I am not a slut. I may not want to get married but I do want someone special.”
“So you do not engage in risky sexual behavior. Perhaps, maybe you do not totally disagree with Mike Pence.”
“No. Okay. I get your point. Mike Pence might have been saying give less money for gay parades and more money for sex education. But I think trying to say he does not have animosity toward the gay community is still a huge stretch.”
Stewart nodded. “You are probably right but then you have the Clintons and their awful DADT policy toward the gays in the military.”
“Agreed.”
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Victor said, “Okay, away from the divisive bullshit world of politics that none of us can do anything about anyway, so Jack, you want someone special like Preacher Pat?”
“Someone.”
Stewart nodded. “So what about you Victor? Are you a slut or do you want someone special?”
“I am a virgin. I don’t think I will ever love anyone again.”
“I date but I haven’t really clicked with anyone. I don’t know. Katelyn wanted to give me a hand job and I let her but that is as far as I have ever gone.”
Jack said, “I am pretty sure Katelyn is a lesbian. Why would she want to give you a hand job?”
“She may have been collecting his sperm. She is six months pregnant.”
Jack said, “No, she isn’t. Why do you say shit like that?”
“I was trying to scare Stewart.”
“Didn’t scare me. But no, she is not a lesbian. You are thinking about Katelyn Hart. I was talking about Katelyn Jones.”
Jack said, “Oh. Okay. My bad. That is how rumors get started.”
Stewart said, “Katelyn Hart is sexy though.”
Victor said, “No. She is not. She is practically a dude. I used to arm wrestle with her in grammar school. Like fuck. She has a grip like a truck driver. If she had been the one giving you a hand job she’d probably have broken your dick and you would have come home crying, ‘Katelyn broke my dick.’ And we would have to take you to the ER and it would be so embarrassing. After they put your dick in a cast they’d make you watch a video on why you shouldn’t let lesbians give you a hand job. Remember that video from sex education.”
Stewart and Jack both stared at Victor, giving him a look. Preacher Pat came running out and asked, “Why are you two staring at Victor like that?”
Stewart said, “I was just imagining watching a video in high school sex education with hot lesbians breaking dicks. If such a video existed that would be both funny and scary.”
Jack said, “Seriously. Like. Oh. My. God. I may never want a hand job again. Maybe even from myself.”
Preacher Pat said, “I once let a woman give me a hand job with a washcloth. She didn’t want to touch it. Afterwards, like damn. I was raw for a month.”
Jack asked, “Was this a real woman or a dude?”
“No. It was a woman. But she did kind of favor Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger. Big, muscular woman. On second thought. She may have been a dude dressed as a woman. I was so drunk I wouldn’t have known the difference. College days.”
Jack laughed. “Body builders have small dicks. They might as well be women.”
Victor chuckled. “I am not a body builder. But Stewart, he likes to lift weights.”
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Stewart said, “Shut up. I may not be a freak down there like you but my cock is big enough.”
Jack slapped Stewart on the back. “Right. The first time I saw Victor naked in the shower after gym I had nightmares about Big Foot chasing me around with that thing.”
Stewart said, “It is a scary looking cock.”
“You two shut up. You are just jealous. Penis envy is a terrible thing.”
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